unecho › BIFF Response Examples (and a Free BIFF Builder) · Updated 2026-10-26

BIFF Response Examples (and a Free BIFF Builder)

A BIFF response is a reply that is Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm: one to three calm sentences that answer the facts and close the topic, without defending yourself.

BIFF was developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute ("BIFF Response" is their registered term) for exactly the messages co-parents and people with a hostile ex get every week. Use the builder, then read the examples.

BIFF reply builder

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What is the message about? The facts (time, date, plan) Opening

The 4 parts of BIFF

Letter	Means	Rule of thumb
Brief	1–3 sentences	Less to argue with
Informative	Facts only	Times, dates, plans, never opinions
Friendly	Not hostile	One neutral courtesy is enough
Firm	Closes the topic	No question that invites another round

10 BIFF response examples

Examples are written to illustrate common patterns; details are invented.

you were 10 minutes late again. our son noticed. some of us actually put him first

BIFF: "Thanks for letting me know. Traffic was bad; I'll leave earlier on Friday. See you at 5."

the kids came back with dirty clothes AGAIN. this is neglect

BIFF: "They played outside before pickup. See you Sunday at the usual time."

I'm taking them to my mom's for thanksgiving. deal with it

BIFF: "Thanksgiving is my year under our schedule. I'll pick them up at 10. Let me know if the time changes."

you still haven't paid for camp. typical

BIFF: "I'll send my half by the 15th, as agreed. Thanks."

bringing your boyfriend to the recital confuses our son

BIFF: "I'll come alone to the recital. See you there."

you just disappeared on everyone. you owe me a conversation at least

BIFF: "I'm not available to discuss the relationship. For the lease, email works best. Take care."

she said you let her stay up till midnight. do you even care about school?

BIFF: "She was in bed at 9 on school nights. Let me know if you have questions about this week."

can I have him this weekend or are you going to be difficult like always

BIFF: "Yes, you can have him Saturday 10am to Sunday 6pm. I'll drop him off."

my lawyer will hear about this

BIFF: No reply needed. If something requires a response, keep it to facts.

can we meet up one last time? just one night

BIFF: "No. Take care."

What to leave out every time

Defending your character ("I'm a great parent and you know it").
Bringing up the past ("Like when you…").
Questions that reopen the topic ("Why do you always do this?").
Sarcasm. It feels good for ten seconds and becomes evidence for ten months.

When to skip BIFF and not reply

If the message has nothing you need to answer (no time, date or decision), silence is often better. For flat, minimal replies, use the grey rock builder. If you can't tell what the message is doing, decode it in unecho: it shows the move in each line and suggests a neutral, firm or silent reply.

Questions people ask

What does BIFF stand for?

Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. It's a method for replying to hostile messages without feeding the conflict, developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute.

How long should a BIFF response be?

Usually one to three sentences. Longer replies give the other person more to pick apart.

Is BIFF the same as grey rock?

No. Grey rock is flat and minimal; BIFF gives a real, friendly, factual answer when one is needed, then closes the topic.

Should I use BIFF if the message has no question?

Often you don't need to reply at all. BIFF is for messages that contain something you must answer, like a time, date or decision.

Can a judge see my texts?

In custody disputes, messages are often used as evidence. BIFF replies help you come across as calm, factual and focused on the child.